Have you ever had the feeling you just want to get married and get married … RIGHT NOW?!!!
There’s an ex-girlfriend of mine I never got over. We haven’t been together in years, but always remained great friends. She’s the best person I know.
This weekend, we rekindled our love affair, and I told her in bed she was the one – that I want babies, a mortgage, the whole sha-bang bang with her. And guess what she said? She smiled and said okay. She said she’d do it. Keep in mind we’re both totally irrational creatures. I’ve been working pretty hard to get and keep my shit together, to be the practical, responsible, and quite frankly, boring person everyone wants me to become, but every romantic impulse inside of me wants to go to a courthouse with this beautiful woman right now. Should I do it?
~ Ready to Elope
Dear Ready to Elope,
I’ve been divorced twice.
I met my first my wife Rebecca in front of the apartment complex where we both lived. I was 21. She was dating someone in the Navy at the time who was out to sea. We spent every moment of the next four days together after I introduced myself. She made a plan to break up with her boyfriend as soon as he got back. We were totally in love. I could stare into her eyeballs for hours.
I got a paid on a Friday, and we immediately drove to Vegas. It went fast. We met and got married in six days.
After we got hitched, we lived together in a two bedroom apartment with four other people and multiple cats, who by the way had fleas. To this day, I still think of the experience as incredibly blissful. It was such a momentous release; a beautiful way to come together. As we started to get to know each other of course the question came up that hey I really love you, but do I actually like you? She got pregnant, had an abortion. That put a damper on things. It was ultimately my fault we didn’t stay together, my unfaithfulness.
We separated a year after getting married. There was this true love, an immediacy in our relationship that reminds me of Romeo and Juliet, except we didn’t end up killing ourselves even though our marriage ended tragically. I should have written her a letter every day we were separated, but I didn’t. I wasn’t there. I wasn’t committed in the way a man should be committed to a woman. We got divorced two years later.
My second wife Jackie was a far more traditional approach. We met, spent every day with each other again. Then, six weeks later, her lease ended, and we moved into an apartment together. We got married after four years of living with one another. Her father was a pastor. I asked him for her hand in marriage and he said yes.
Jackie and I were married for eight years and got divorced because alas the flesh won again. The female species is fucking awesome. They’re just so…ahhh! I’ve had to realize though time and time again that life isn’t about getting your rocks off. Having a woman who loves and respects you is a precious, fragile gift. It needs to be nurtured and taken care of.
The truth is you’ll never know if you’re compatible. You’ll never know if you like the toilet paper flipped up or down unless you survey one another on every aspect of your everyday life. I’m all for fast, but realize that marriage is work everyday. You have to understand your life will no longer be your own. Hammer this into your head. YOU ARE NOT YOUR OWN.
It’s rarely the woman who cheats or isn’t ready for a commitment. The woman typically is always ready to sacrifice herself for the good of the man she’s in love with. It’s much harder to find a man who’s ready to sacrifice his goals and his desires for his partner. My advice to women reading this is to know exactly where your man stands. Everyone has so much to hide, and guys are so skilled at bullshitting.
Even the couple that courts each other for five years, waits until marriage to have sex, and moves into a house they just bought together, even they still have to work at sorting through their psychological garbage every day to keep the bond of marriage strong. Like I said, I’m all for fast. If every part of you is ready to belong to someone else, I say go for it.
Rog Newcomb is a 42-year-old medical massage therapist and A/V technician who still grapples with his potential to become an electric guitar god. He’s been single for eight years after his last divorce and is finally 100 percent ready for meaningful companionship and a big, big love.
Disclaimer: The views expressed in “ASK AN ELDER” do not represent the views of BYBS or BYBS staff.